11-25-07

today was better but not much. todd & i did a little christmas shopping. but as soon as we got home i started feeling the same way i did yesterday. restless, lonely, guilty for not being o.k. and making my kids see me this way. i know they don't understand. hell i don't understand it.

alone

this is my first blog. it is very hard to tell people how i feel. mostly because i don't know myself. you see, the doctors tell me i'm bi polar. i'm married (18+ years) and have four wonderful daughters. i hate days like today. i want to be doing something..but i don't know what i'm suppose to do. i can't bring myself to do the every day things like dishes and laundry. so i sit and stare at the wall or wander around my house aimlessly. i tried talking to my husband but he doesn't want to talk about it. he tells me to call my shrink. i don't want to talk to her. i want to talk to him. i don't want him to try and fix it...just listen and not get mad. just try and except that i need a sounding board...a place to vent...i want him to hold me and tell me it'll be alright. he tells me deal with it. he thinks if i say something hurt my feelings i am putting him down. why can't i say "this hurts" and have him just listen.